by 3:00 this afternoon i was ready to return home to my lonely little apartment. i had done my holiday duty. the bellies were stuffed, the gifts were ravaged, photos snapped, blahsy, blahsy, blah... my obligatory 24 hours were up.

it actually wasn't so bad.

i really think i needed that time away from my life... and from my own, personal dramas of the the last couple of months...

i needed my mommy to fix my bed after i insisted that i would do it and cook for me and be up and on her way to fetch whatever tasty morsel of holiday goodness it was that i — just, moments before — had said that i'd like one more piece of.... ahhh, to be spoiled by mom when you've had two long months of hell.

mom's are the BEST.

no holiday soap opera here, no controversy, no "rockin' the boat" at MY house at Chrisitmas! NOPE, no sir-EE! just love and feelin' good and most importantly, making sure everybody ELSE was feeling good and OK!

thank GOD... i needed that.

i HAVE, in my absence from my life over the last 24 hours come to a few conclusions:
1. 80% of the time that i bitch and moan about being alone-- is because I made the decision to be by myself (whether i like to admit that or not)
2. 70% of the time that I AM alone, I actually ENJOY it
3. i NEED the alone time right now more than I need to be a fluttering social butterfly...

and besides, i don't feel like fluttering these days... actually i never really flutter anyway.

and 4. i need to find something productive and positive to do with the social time that I DO allow myself.

i'm really trying to become a healthier person. my resolutions-- if you wanna call them that-- for 2003 are the same as they were in 2002, only this time I have the time and mental capabilities (i hope) to succeed.

i want to be a healthier person:
1. physically
2. emotionally
3. spiritually
4. financially

easy, right? HA... we'll see...
(maybe i should be more specific...? naaaaa, i'm definitely more of a "big picture" kinda person.)

one day at a time, right?